Improv and talking to strangers
For a long time, I thought of myself as an introvert.
I recall a time when as a solo traveler backpacking across a new country, I walked into the common area of a hostel. It was packed with people sitting in groups where one person was laughingly narrating something and two or three people listened and giggled along.
At first, I assumed that they’d known each other for a while. Although soon I learned that many of them are travelers just like myself, and they met, tagged along, and ended up in the hostel as a group. The puzzling yet intriguing part of such an encounter to me is how quickly two or more people could build trust and connection over a short interaction.
Getting to know new people mostly revolved around three basic questions, which I assume you’d guess - “where are you from? What brings you here? And what do you do?”, followed by some exchange of things back home.
After this polite getting-to-know phase, I’m usually searching for other things to talk about while also beating myself up over why this has to be so hard. Is this why I was also socially anxious and preferred to hang out only with a known set of friends?
A few years later, situations changed and I decided to move to a new country where I didn’t know anyone or the language. I also didn’t have many friends, so I had to pretty much start afresh and make new friends.
The point of a conversation
If you asked an entrepreneur about networking, likely they would tell you it’s all about giving value. You provide value consistently over time, and in return, you earn their trust and friendship. It also reminds me of Vito Corleone from The Godfather who would demand friendship in exchange for favors, but everyone knew what that meant.
While my objective was not to be the Don, the idea of giving value made sense. As you speak you uncover things about the person and you offer the help they could use, in return they help you at a future point. As a byproduct you become friends. As shallow as this sounds, I anyway went ahead and experimented.
I would explore conversations to see where I could offer value of any kind, and asking nothing in return. I used to think this would automatically qualify me as a friend and in return I could hang out more and we could do activities together.
Many would think I’m just a nice guy, although occasionally it felt a bit strange why a stranger would offer help that was never asked. Sometimes I would indeed make a friend I could reach out to. But with people from completely different cultures and backgrounds, there was more for me to learn and understand than I had to offer. This put me in a pickle.
So I needed a different strategy. I needed to stop thinking of conversations as transactional and find a different meaning to it.
Lessons from improv
It was after joining improv I found a different insight. Usually, people think of improv as improv comedy, but what I play is improv storytelling. Comedy can be a great addition, but not necessarily. Whose line is it anyway is a popular example of improv that’s fun to watch.
From the book Improv(e) Your Conversations: Think on Your Feet, Witty Banter, and Always Know What To Say with Improv Comedy Techniques by Patrick King, I learned that two people creating a scene out can be watchable because they have three elements in common - People, Experiences, and Situations.
Here’s an example I constructed of how this might play out :
Scene
Two people, Jim and Grace, are solo travellers who meet at a hostel in Barcelona. Jim finds Grace eating her lunch in the common area and walks up to her to introduce himself.
Situation #1
Jim: hi!
Grace: hello!
Jim thinks Grace is probably European. He opens with the question. “Where are you from?”
“I’m from a small city in Denmark. And you?”
“Nice! I’m from Poland but I live in Germany”
“Did you just arrive?”, Grace replies politely to continue the conversation.
“I arrived yesterday and I’m here for 5 more days. And you?”
“same. I leave in two days.”, Grace replies with a smile.
“Cooool! Soo…”.
Jim starts to search for the next thing to ask. It could be about what she was planning to do.. but Grace is new here too so probably that’s not the best thing to ask. Or maybe something about Denmark? Hmm, perhaps there’s a better thing to talk about..
Situation #2
Jim: hi!
Grace: hello!
Jim notices the sandwich Grace was enjoying and comments, “Oh that sandwich looks delicious! What’s inside it?”
Grace smiles looking at her sandwich, and back at Jim and says, “Ah thanks! just cheese and avocados, and some pepper and salt I think. Nothing crazy”
“oh I picked up some lime and fresh tomatoes yesterday to make some Guacamole, and maybe I’ll try it with your bread! Did you get it from the bakery nearby? What kind of bread is it?”
Grace thinks some guacamole could be nice. “It's sourdough bread! I found a bakery here that makes it fresh! It’s right around the corner”
Now I assume you’re already interested in where this conversation goes. It could flow in multiple different directions - about interest in bread, bakeries, cooking recipes with avocados, etc. it involved a situation and an experience ( finding a bakery and making guacamole ).
When I understood this I started paying more attention to engaging conversations. They often involved good storytelling of an experience that revealed something interesting about the person. Similarly in improv after a “yes and..” in a dialogue, we try not to ask questions, but instead make a statement that moves the scene forward. The more quirky and specific the statement, the more interesting and watchable the interaction gets. It’s not that often that you meet someone who walks up to you and comments on your sandwich. And that’s interesting.
Gradually I learned to take conversations in directions adding unexpected details and emotions. If someone just returned from a trip instead of simply asking “How was your trip”, I’d start by asking, “So tell me how did spend your time there? who did you meet?”. There’s the small difference in the latter question - it brings specificity to a situation.
From this I started to notice people opening up better in conversations. It got more more interested to learn about the what people did by simply navigating conversations, and I could start seeing small talk as enjoyable experiences than a forced ritual.